


is this how you feel

by opiniatre_bea



Category: Ghostbusters (2016)
Genre: F/F, smut mentions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-01
Updated: 2016-12-01
Packaged: 2018-09-03 13:26:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,845
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8715673
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/opiniatre_bea/pseuds/opiniatre_bea
Summary: It was never planned. There was never any build up. They just exploded. They fell together and blew up together, and it was beautiful.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I found some inspiration on tumblr for this one. I spent way too long on it and I still don't think it was enough, so again like I said with my other fic I posted, all mistakes are mine.  
> And thank you so much to those who read/commented on my other fic. xx

i.

It was never planned. There was never any build up. They just _exploded_. They fell together and blew up together, and it was beautiful but tragic because it wasn’t planned. There wasn’t any build up. It just happened, and then they didn’t know where to go from where they started.

Erin got hurt. A ghost threw something and Erin ran forward at the wrong time, the hard, wooden object hitting her thigh, _hard_. It knocked Erin down brutally quick. Holtzmann was panicking by her side immediately, and for the rest of the day she wouldn’t leave her alone. She was there helping Erin walk when her muscles started to hurt from the bruising. Holtzmann reassured the other women that she’d get Erin home safely and take care of her.

_It_ happened before they could reach Erin’s bed. Holtz had let Erin down onto the couch in Erin’s bright yet bare apartment before she went to the freezer and got something that what make a good ice pack.

Holtz rested the bag of frozen peas against Erin’s leg over the fabric of her black sweatpants. She started mumbling nonsense apologies to which Erin begged her to believe nothing was her fault. Holtz only started to believe those words as Erin reached forward and pressed her lips softly against Holtzmann’s. Erin whispered, _“Stop thinking, and kiss me.”_ Then Holtz was pressing Erin into the couch, attacking the woman’s neck with her teeth and tongue, barely being able to stop herself as Erin tore her shirt off. It all may have been triggered by Erin’s pain and adrenaline from the accident, but she knew in that moment, with Holtzmann’s tongue curling around her ear lobe that she had never made a better fucking decision.

They stumbled down the hallway, items of clothing practically melting off their bodies as they moved along. Holtz pushed Erin against the wall and slipped her hand into the grey cotton briefs the woman was wearing. Erin had to stop and gasp, her eyes slamming shut as her hand clamped onto the blonde’s shoulder, nails digging into the skin as she could feel two fingers slipping into her.

Holtzmann didn’t try to step away from the wall for as soon as she did, _“don’t fucking move, and don’t you dare stop.”_

Erin was _burning;_ her skin was on fire. The way Holtz’s lips came to press against her throat, the way her tongue burned a line across her collarbone, her hand making blisters over her hips, her _goddamn_ fingers pressing against that one spot everyone else seemed to miss. Everything was scorching hot and she couldn’t remember a time in her life where she had ever felt _better._

It was like Holtz was marking her, burning her own fingerprints into everywhere she touched. 

Smoke and ash was filling Erin’s lungs, she couldn’t breathe anymore. She was suffocating in Holtzmann’s heat and fire and she never wanted to leave. _But it was just so hard to breathe-_

And she exploded in a white hot heat; groaning and mewling, hands leaving bruises into the engineer’s back and shoulder, her legs shaking around the hand between them, breath sticky and heavy in Holtz’s hair, ears still ringing as she pushed the other woman onto the floor in her bedroom before she returned the _favor_ and began leaving her own scorch marks into perfect porcelain skin.

 

ii.

She now watches Holtz from across the room. Watches how her fingers - delicate and nimble - glide across half finished machines and tools and-

Later on she watches how those nimble fingers become forceful and needy across her skin.

There are many times during the day when Erin watches this woman do her work. She finds herself staring when Holtz gets excited at an idea, notices how if she smiles just enough her dimples suddenly become deeper than the Grand Canyon. Erin watches and thinks about the words ‘sweet’ and ‘gentle’.

Yet there is nothing sweet or gentle in the way they explore each other’s bodies at the end of the day; it’s always desperate and controlling. Erin clings to Holtz in the darkness of her bedroom, silently telling Holtzmann that if she tries to leave Erin will scratch her back and hold her down, never to let her go.

And as Holtzmann falls asleep - lying on her stomach with the sheet bunched at her waist, hair a knotted mess on Erin’s pillow - Erin watches her. Vaguely blue tinted light shines through her sheer curtains; they never bother to close the thick curtains, never think of it. Erin looks at her hands, looks at her veins, traces her finger along the faint blue line, moving up her arm until it’s lost in Holtz’s soft skin.

Erin stares at all the bends and bows in the woman’s body, memorizes every single curve. Relishes in how shadows casting on the blonde’s body look so inviting to her. Does it every single night. Worships Holtz in the darkness and privacy of her own bed.

And during the day, while the sun is up and Holtz shines brighter than the sun. Erin watches her for hours, _days,_ on end. Wishing and hoping that one day soon it stops hurting because this woman is just so beautiful and so _vivid_. Shining so bright she could eclipse the fucking sun and still light up the world. Erin thinks about how _hard_ it is to look at Holtzmann because she knows the differences in her grins when she’s excited and simply just content, knows what she looks like naked and lying in her bed.

But Erin doesn’t tear her eyes away because it’s _harder_ to look away from such beauty in her life. She feels like she’s going blind when she looks at Holtz, and she doesn’t want it any other way.

 

iii.

Erin has now become tuned to the sound of Jillian Holtzmann. It wouldn’t be called obvious, but they work better on busts now. When Holtz makes a certain type of yelp Erin knows that she needs help, or that she’s fine but lost hold of the ghost so Erin knows she needs to catch that damn ghost for Holtz’s sake. 

She can now pick out the sound of Holtz’s voice when everything else is too loud. When ghosts are throwing things and smashing windows and setting off car alarms, Erin will hear Holtz call for help or yell out in pain, sometimes excitement. Erin can even hear her sing when she has her music up so loud it vibrates the windows in the firehouse.

What Erin has learnt is this: she can make the most gorgeous singer sound _awful_ , because Holtzmann always has the right tone and pitch and everything that comes out of her mouth is beautiful. Erin likes it when she sings; sometimes just sitting at the top of the stairs just to hear her and not disrupt her. See, Erin also knows when Holtz is singing for fun and when she’s singing for herself. And Erin is greedy; likes to hear Holtz sing no matter what, because her voice on it’s own is the most intricate piece of music she knows.

And when Holtz sighs at the end of the day Erin knows what she _needs._ Knows if she needs to be loved and cared for, stroked to a gentle release. Or when Erin has to be quick and rough; all give and no take. Erin practically bathes in the noises she makes. The soft moans and gasps that tell Erin she’s doing something right. If she moves her fingers just so then- _“Erin, fuck, that’s- oh, god!“_

Then Holtz _laughs_ and Erin has never, ever heard a sweeter sound. She listens to this woman sing and then she screws up a line and laughs and-

Erin smiles, every single time. Giggles too, because this woman is-

But they’re not supposed to be together. Not really. It was never planned, and Abby and Patty don’t know. At least Erin doesn’t think they know, but they’ve given no odd looks or little smirks or digs about it, so it seems like they don’t know.

Erin doesn’t know why it feels wrong if they know, she chooses to believe it wouldn’t be a problem if her and Holtz became public about their… _Thing._ It has no name. And maybe that’s why they’re still so hot and heavy; because it feels forbidden. Erin almost hates herself for making Holtz keep quiet. She’s just not ready if people know; and sometimes she thinks it’s because she is greedy about Holtz. She likes what she has and doesn’t want to share. Not yet.

No one has questioned how Erin knows what Holtz needs if she stutters or can’t think of a word and just makes this croaking sound instead. And Erin reasons that if no one has said anything about that then they can stay a secret.

Erin just wants Holtz’s sounds to stay hers for a little while longer. She just wants to hear Holtz singing on her own just a few more times. Wants to hear that shaky exhale when Erin does the _thing_ with her tongue. Erin devours these sounds, and she does not want to share.

 

iv.

During the summer Erin always has a need to drive out to the beach for the day and watch the water move against itself, waves crashing down. She has this need for about a week before she catches onto the reason _why._

It’s her eyes.

They’re as blue as the sky, as blue as the ocean. Erin gets so lost in her eyes.

These days they wake up together in the morning more often than not. Holtz used to leave after they’ve been together, sometimes taking a short nap before she’d put her clothes back on, kissing Erin’s cheek as she would walk out the door. It wouldn’t bother Erin, until one day it did. She grabbed Jillian’s hand.

_“Stay,”_ she said. And she did.

They wake up together, turn over until they’re eye to eye and Erin tucks loose strands of hair behind Holtzmann’s ear, strokes her cheek and just _stares._ Loses herself in those crystal blue eyes, finds different versions of herself reflecting back. Everything she could be, everything she was since being with this woman. She feels like she’s drowning in these eyes across from her.

Erin will catch her gaze in the firehouse, or at a bust, or at the fucking _supermarket_ and her knees will feel weak and shaky and she swears she’s tripped over things more than once because she’s so distracted by that shade of blue. She’s never seen such a vibrant colour. Her own eyes are blue but they’re not as bright or happy or wonderful. Everything about Holtz just seems to be perfect and Erin worships this woman for it.

She isn’t scared by it anymore. She used to run from her feelings, but now she embraces them. When she finds Holtz singing in her lab, and now in her shower or even in the mornings when she’s making coffee and choc-chip pancakes, and Erin tells her how beautiful it sounds. 

She tells Jillian that she thinks she is an extremely gorgeous and stunning woman, perhaps the prettiest girl she has ever seen. And when Holtz giggles awkwardly and says, _“Back at ya,”_ Erin knows it means ‘thank you’. 

Erin feels herself getting pulled deeper and deeper into the abyss that is the world of Jillian Holtzmann, and she’s having the time of her life, free falling like that. The bottom of what to come doesn’t scare her; she thinks it’ll be beautiful, but she doesn’t know when she’ll stop falling. Doesn’t really want to.

She’s just taking her time drowning in clear, ocean blue eyes for now. The eyes that go dark when she’s in pain, and how they almost sparkle like diamonds when she is excited. 

She feels like she’s turning into a cliché. Some love-wrecked being, and Erin can see that when she recognizes her own reflection in Jillian’s eyes. She’s sinking, down, down, down. Completely drowning, losing the ability to breathe, and she doesn’t mind. The bottom of this is waiting for her and Erin wants to meet Holtz there.

 

v.

Erin can feel it. She knows this feeling, knows it very well, but it’s never consumed her like it has now. This feeling is seeping into her bones like it never has before and that’s how she knows it’s real. She makes peace with it quickly. A lot faster than she thought she would, but with all the falling and drowning and sinking she knows this was where it was going to end up.

She’s fucking helplessly in love with Jillian. _Her Jillian._

When they touch it still burns. It’s more intense than ever because Erin doesn’t have to mark her territory anymore. Everything is hers, and Jillian has told her so, _“I’m all yours, baby. There’s no one but you.”_

They talk more now, they’re more open with each other. They talk at all times of the day, and instead of Erin getting lost in how beautiful Holtz is, and losing her train of thought when the woman laughs, or even catching herself staring into those endless blue eyes and not paying attention to her other surroundings, Erin says something back that is more than a word or two of unintelligible nonsense. Because that woman has been taking her breath away for months now, and Erin is just realizing that it doesn’t have to stop her from being a normal human being when they’re together.

They aren’t shy about their relationship anymore, but Abby and Patty still haven’t said anything. They give the looks now, and mutter things under their breath but they haven’t had a talk with them about how it’s ‘inappropriate for the workplace’. They haven’t made any mean remarks about it. They keep themselves to themselves and leave Erin and Jillian alone. But they don’t say anything still.

Erin has learnt that Holtz is just as greedy with Erin as she is with her, and it somehow works for them; like the complement each other. They leave the firehouse together, and pick up a pizza on the way home (they go to Holtz’s place a lot more too) and they just fall asleep together. They just climb into bed after a long day, wrap around each other like vines and just _sleep._

Erin finds that this is more intimate than undressing Jillian slowly and tracing every part of her body with her tongue. It’s when they wake up in the morning with bad breath and still kiss each other and not care. It’s sharing a mug of coffee because Erin has matching cups and they can’t remember whose cup is whose. They are romantic and domestic and Erin can’t remember how they got to this point instead of just fucking each other every other night.

They have made it to a point where Erin would fly to the end of the world and back again if Jillian wanted, asked, _needed_ her to. She’d do anything for this woman in a heartbeat. Through a thousand lifetimes, across millions of stars, she would find this woman, and she would never leave her. Erin loves her. 

Some nights Erin will trail her fingers from one freckle to another, drawing patters, making constellations. Erin is fully aware that this woman she loves is made out of stardust, and it’s magical. She worships Jillian the way she deserves. To make love to every fiber of her being, to every atom that composes her entity. Erin loves her so wholeheartedly, and she can _feel_ Holtz doing the same. They are two halves of a whole; made for each other. 

Erin loves Jillian to hear the way she moans Erin’s name, and to watch the way she loses herself in the love they create together.

Erin is grateful for every star that exploded that has made up the human being that is Jillian Holtzmann. She loves physics for teaching her that everything someone does is magical because something else magical has died to bring them here. She finds Jillian so magical, in everything she is and does.

There isn’t a single thing Erin Gilbert wouldn’t do for the love of her life. She would never leave this woman who has taught her to love herself, to love everything beautiful she touches, to love all the gorgeous things she has the privilege to see with her own two eyes. This pretty girl who has taught her that some sounds are more beautiful than others but it’s all about perspective. Erin has learnt to love and appreciate every look in Jillian’s eyes, because everything is special and one of a kind and Erin has still never seen a more beautiful shade of blue.

Erin _loves_ Jillian, with every fiber and atom that makes her who she is. She would never leave this woman, 

 

till death do they part.

 

vi.

And here's the thing,

 

Jillian loves her, too.


End file.
